Why Does He Keep Hurting Me?

Sheila Asked:

Hello - I'm trying very hard to communicate with a man who was my lover for a few months. He ended it with me with no reason given but said he wanted to be friends, even though we got on very well and the sex was great.

He says he wants to be friends but yet doesn't seem to understand what that means. I see friendship as being able to trust, communicate, share thoughts and feelings, being there for one another if the other one is down.

My problem is that he shows me none of these. He has lied to me many times and always seems to be trying to get one over on me. I was very down recently and he wasn't there for me - in fact he ignored me. When I confronted him later he said he wouldn't have been much good to me anyway.

I know this is a sign of him not wanting to be friends and you may wonder why I am chasing a friendship which is obviously not working but although there is a very shallow side to this man - I see beyond that and have told him so. I have told him I want to know the real him but this seems to scare him even more.

I have had two attempts recently at telling him my thoughts (by emailing him) and he has ignored them both, even though he said he would respond (this was nearly two months ago). The emails asked him why he is constantly pushing me away and putting up boundaries and if he doesn't want my friendship to just say so. I told him also that I think he is very callous but this is only one side to him and I accept him how he is because I also see a very funny, fair guy underneath. I asked why he has changed towards me when we used to have such a laugh. I told him also that I want him to at least reply to my emails even if he could not open up to me - asked him to please send me a reply which just said that he is unable or he doesn't see my point of view but please don't ignore me. Why does he ignore them then tell me he wants to be friends? How can someone be so cruel - for power?

We talked recently and he said that I dwell on his negative qualities but this is not true. When we were together there was none of this, only laughter and sex.

I am just so confused. I know men find it hard to show their feelings and he doesn't normally get emotional. In fact he appears very cool and unaffected by emotion, yet we argued a few months ago and I told him he wasn't worth the energy and I didn't care. He got annoyed and since then he seems to be deliberately provoking me and he seems to be defensive all the time and using sarcasm. I told him also that I didn't want to talk to him again so he didn't bother contacting me. Its been 2 months since we've spoken (only communication is through my emails).

Why do you think he says he wants to be friends and likes me - in fact he said he 'more than liked me' but yet is not willing to apologize or respond to emails when he knows I want him to respond.

He acts like he hasn't a care in the world. My emails also said that I thought he was unhappy and he can talk to me and trust me. Thank you

BlushGirl Says:

The first thing I must comment on, is when you said, "there is a very shallow side to this man - I see beyond that and have told him so", how do you see beyond something like that? This man is cold, uncaring, and downright rude to you and you are making excuses for him. You are NOT dealing with a very nice person here. You say you understand that men have a tough time showing their feeling. Again, that is an excuse for his very bad behavior. Many men, in fact most, have no trouble showing their feelings when the situation calls for it. The reason he appears so cool and unemotional is because that is who he is. In your letter to me, he comes off as a selfish, uncaring person, and I know you know this. Why would you want anything to do with someone who has lied to you. That alone shows his true colors.

You have given all of your power to this man. It is time for you to get it back. Start by breaking ALL communication off with this person. He does not deserve a friend like you. This means no more e-mail. In fact, if he e-mails you again, return the email to him with a polite message stating you are no longer interested in hearing from him. Do not let him manipulate you ever again. Do not let ANYONE treat you the way this man has. You are stronger and more in control than that. You have just forgotten.

He told you that you dwell on his negative qualities. I ask you…what other qualities does he have? This is a negative person and you cannot change that, so stop trying. He is playing you; toying with your emotions. PLEASE take my advice and get this bum out of your life. He tells you he wants to be friends and likes you more than a friend because he is a player. In fact, he probably has a hard time even thinking about anyone but himself. In his world, he comes first and always will.

Now, having said all of this, and probably upsetting you, I want to say one more thing. I feel for you, and I know you are hurt. It is difficult to move on sometimes, because we are afraid we won't find some one new to love us. Trust me, this guy is not the one, but the right guy is out there. Don't miss out on the right guy by focusing all your attention on this loser. Get him out of your life now before he takes all of your self-respect and dignity away. You have ALL the power here; it is time to exercise it. You are stronger than you think. I know you will be just fine, now YOU need to know it too. Take that first brave step by getting this man out of your life for good. I wish you much luck and love. - Kelly